Sunday, November 3, 2013

The Big Mouse, and the Big Ugly Pink Backpack

Otherwise known as How To Survive Disneyworld With Minimal Meltdowns.

I'm a mom. My two kids are 7, and 8. They are.....well, lets just say they are REAL hyperactive (diagnosed) and have some other special needs. So you'd never think we could take two kids like this to the Disneyworld, spend the entire day at parks (yep, we parkhop) and walk between 8-12 miles a day, and spend 7+ hours a day at the park 3 out of 4 days, right?

Well we did. The Columbia hiking boots and the Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World helped, but Disney = Magic. And my magic is a Big, Ugly, Pink, Leopard Print.......backpack. Enjoy my thoughts, and if you were one of the parents who looked at me with open hatred as I cruised past you with my fastpass and children wearing sensible shoes, while your Bibbity-Bobbity-Boo'd princess sobbed with exhaustion and an advanced case of glittery mascara in her eye.....well, I'm sorry.

OK, I'm not sorry. I hope you've learned from your experience and won't allow anyone to apply your primary school age child's makeup with a trowel next year, but I just can't summon up any sympathy.

Anyone, on to MY guilty little secrets. Bananas and raisins and....water!

http://www.hannaandersson.com/style.asp?styleid=40185&clr=27T

I'm NOT selling mine. This is just what mine looks like.

Can you imagine someone like me hauling THIS around Disneyworld? Your first question might be "are you on something illicit? why would you carry something like that?" Well, here is WHY, and here is detailed instructions as to HOW.

Well, we got it free. And it was Hanna Anderson (HA), which basically = indestructible.

I was shocked when I discovered this backpack, which was kindly gifted to me - was HA. They used to be the epitome of understated swedish cool. They were located in Portland, OR for forever - they used all natural fibers, etc.

So what happened? Well, during hard times in the 90's, the Swedes checked their portfolio, decided it was time to get out. The pragmatic woman they had hired as their chief became president, and......moved the company to Kentucky. They still have a lot of their staples and all cotton stuff. And I can attest that they are still indestructible. But, like 90% of anything that is moved to the the "Kentucky-like area" it started to subtly adapt. Leopard prints, shiny butterflys, neon flowers, etc started to appear. Protective coloration, you might say.

But they still wear like iron. Or like steel magnolias you might say. So I hauled this ugly backpack around, day in and day out, for water, and books, and baby wipes. After enduring a year, it was time for Disney. And, like everything destined to go to the Big Mouse - it became.....magical. And then endured for another year and worked it's same magic.

If you've ever been to the parks, you've seen them. :o

The tarted up princesses, wilting inside their polyester cocoons. The face painted toddler boys, wailing and screaming and dissolving in a puddle of unhappy urine. Take a kid and expose them to sun, and WAY too much fun, and water only at mealtimes, and snacks? What snack? Oh, that $9 funnelcake they inhaled, then jumped around from sugar shock, then vomited onto the Main Street pavement.

But not mine. Because I had the magical backpack. Stocked with a gallon ziploc bag of baby wipes (about half of a standard "box" of wipes) and another smaller quart ziploc bag of a couple dozen more wipes in the front pocket.

Spare socks? Yep. Spare undies? Yep. I used to cart around a spare set of shirt and shorts for both kids. 4 boxes of raisins, 4 - 6 bananas? Yep. (Bananas go on top, raisins are stashed in one of the side mesh pockets). Sunglasses for everyone except big daddy (he's cool enough to manage his own)? Yep - in the other side mesh pocket. Separate leopard print "lunch box" to hold 3 water bottles? Yep.

So armed, we attack the parks. I go in the "bag lady" line to be searched (they never bat an eye at all the food I am smuggling into Disney - never) while big daddy and the kids go through the "no bags" line. After that, the first year we checked through with our passes and picked up rental strollers. This year and last, no strollers. My kids are tired after walking 8 hours, but they can do it now.

One hour in (ding!) everyone stops and drinks. Need to pee? No? 20 minutes later everyone stops and drinks. Need to pee? No? After 90 minutes everybody gets it and chugs when cued. We have to do this the first day, then it's a no-brainer. Drink every hour, and drink a LOT.

2 hours in - find a slow ride (small world, living with the land) and force the kids to snork down bananas and raisins while being calmed into submission. Restroom, more water, then......

Lunch at the first place that opens at 11am. Feed them until stuffed. Fastpass whatever is an hour wait, then watch shows or talk to staff members or find hidden mickeys (hint: look up). Once it's noon, trot with your fastpass past fuming, tantruming families who failed to plan and enjoy your ride.

Then leave the park before they kill you. Noon is the best time to parkhop, and besides everybody hates you for planning ahead, so leave now.

Enter next park while everyone else is in an hour long wait for lunch. They'll assume you slept in, unless they saw you pull this trick yesterday, in which case they'll ask you for tips. (for the record, I've only been asked how I do this a few times - by moms who saw me doing hourly bathroom "make the kids go" on another day or park.) Ride all the rides, then nab fastpasses when people exit lunch and get in line. Watch shows and force kids to snack and drink water while all the polyester princesses start crying and limping (or being dragged) out of the park. If you have a child young enough to be shy about doing number 2 in a noisy environment with hordes of strangers around (suddenly makes sense, huh?) Find the baby center and explain that you need clean water for your child's sippy cup. Promise your child a small toy from the vendor if they make poopy in the baby center's miraculously quiet and small potty. Clean up child, child's hiney, and baby center's potty. Thank baby center's staff profusely and comment on how cute everything is.

Buy small toy. (They don't care by this point - you could give them a bottle cap and they would be happy. Anything shiny with lights is the equivalent of winning the lottery.) Refuse to give it to child until they drain their water bottle/sippy cup/whatever. Let them play with it while YOU refill all water cups and rest and encourage tired spouse to rest. (this is important if you want to get lucky later.) Past age 8 or so, toys aren't really needed.

Keep resting. Show (or remind) kids the fastpass for "something thrilling" and have them count down the time and wait for the last of the extremely tired kids to crash and burn. Look for hidden mickeys and tell silly stories.

It's fastpass time! Go on fun ride. Now go find all the slow rides everyone else thinks are pathetic. They have 5 minute wait times now, and when you are tired and have been walking for hours and are 5, 6, or 7, suddenly they are awesome.

Eat dinner (preferably in your hotel room, in peace and quiet). Brush everyone's teeth and park kids with a kindle in the bed. Take bets on how long it will be before they fall asleep. Laugh when kids fall asleep in less than 10 minutes. Sober up when you realize this is why your grandparents did all those farm chores.

Load coffeemaker (big daddy does this, he makes better coffee), get mugs ready and preload cereal bowls for the following day, and clean out and repack magic ugly pink backpack with wipes, bananas, and raisins.

If spouse is in the mood have a "magical" evening! ;)

Repeat next day.

So that's why I lug that big ugly backpack around Disney. It's ugly, it's tacky, and my lower back is screaming in agony from repeated bumps from the metal (or hard plastic) water bottles, but man it's worth it. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

A Quiet Rebellion

What do activists look like?

They show up at rallies, right? Get arrested? Know what it's like to lose teeth and bleed on the pavement? Lose custody of their kids because it was worth it. Grow their own food, scream insults at people who use petty city laws to close down clinics so that a woman who finds out what's inside isn't a baby, but instead lacks 90% of it's brain and both of it's kidneys? Maybe they are the people who march around insisting GMO be banished forever and for all time, amen......yesterday. And of course they risk EVERYTHING (because the cause is all that matters, right?) to file class action suits, etc. If they lose the house, the job, the clearance - well they are RIGHT with a capital R so who cares about all that.

They think ALL law enforcement is brutal and uncaring. They have either been pepper sprayed or they just know this next demonstration it's going to be the dogs and the firehoses. And ALL juries are rigged. And if you've never been convicted of something? Heck, you are just a wannabe! If you don't earn a paycheck from someone actively bucking the system and making sure thing stay fair? You aren't serious about it. Not really.

That's what they look like, right?

Maybe.

Maybe they are the people who insisted that Zimmerman be tried in a court of law. By the simple tactic of calling their law enforcement personnel, and their representative, and signing online petitions, and letting overseas friends know what was going on.

Or maybe they just are that person who seems pretty white bread, but doesn't drink water in front of their Muslim friends during Ramadan.

Who has a garden so their kids know where food comes from, and hates Japanese beetles that eat nearly all of it....but lets the rabbits eat most of what survives. They don't dump poison on their vegetable patch, but doesn't refuse to speak with those who do.

Whose children not only get a mehndi but know about dowries and why some families don't educate or even keep children of the "non-desirable" gender. Everyone knows about the mehndi. Almost nobody knows what the kids know about some kids not going to school - or being sold for labor - and that a good monsoon year and cheap rice is something to be happy about, not for themselves, but for others. Their kids don't know about the fact that infanticide, human trafficking, child soldiers, and other horrific things exist....yet. But they will by the time they are adults.

Maybe it is the person who doesn't support gun control laws. Not because they want a heavily armed population, but because they are cynical enough to know that if people want a gun, they will get one. Very few people know that their children don't play unattended at the home of one of their friends (age 6) who owns and regularly practices with her very own firearm at the range with her daddy. Most of them don't know this little cherub-cheeked neighbor owns her own gun, can read at age level, but is nowhere near enough to read even the simplest gun safety brochures yet.

Maybe they are the person that you call when you've been date-raped, and you don't have cash, or insurance, and you need someone to help you get what you need, fund it, and hold your hand while you go through it, and makes sure you don't bleed to death, and who will take anguished phone calls at 2am about what happened. Who will grieve with you, rather than shame and blame you.

Maybe they were right behind you at Chuck E. Cheese when your child fell, almost tripped you, and they gave him a handful of tokens and an understanding smile.

Maybe they were the person who smiled at the busboy and treated him as a person, rather than a thing, and taught their children to do so, too.

Maybe they were the person who pretended not to see their fellow diner smile when they said "there is only one race - the human race." And thanked them for teaching their daughters how to say butterfly in Arabic when they explained where they were from (Sudan) and where Sudan was.

But they aren't really activists. They are just wannabes, interested in stirring up trouble.

They should just be quiet and leave it to the professionals.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Why I Play A Stupid Virtual Farming Game With My Kids And Why It's Really NOT About Farming.


So. If you are pathetic enough to be following my life? You know I play Farmville 2. I do the grunt work, and I call the kids in for "teachable moments". Like - which thing should we craft for maximum coins and XP? Is it ok to have virtual pigs on our farm when we have Farmville friends (we've never met them, they are assigned by the game) who are muslim?

Is it ok if they have pigs too?

Is it mathematically worthwhile to even have pigs, or any other animals other than goats and chickens?

We dragged out the calculator (no, the pigs don't pay off) and chatted with friends in real life and online about the pig/halal issue. They all have pigs too. And in the original Farmville? Breweries.

Wow. So what I suspected all along was proved true. Yeah, the graphics are cool, but really, it's a math game. K was not surprised. C and I were mildly surprised. I went digging for cheat sheets and before we knew it - based on the advice therein? We are now level 34. There are 72 levels right now. We "level up" about every 2-3 days. They scream with excitement, I sigh and realize that now I have to harvest everything and wait for more water....

Yeah, it's not just cute animals and apricot trifle.

We've learned some stuff. Like, the timed quests are based on sugar (you have to buy it, or have a LOT of Farmville 2 friends who play all the time) or salt (ditto). So we go to a secret page (that only about a million people know about) that tells you the steps of the quest. We do the math and decide what to do and what to skip. The same "secret page" also allows you to snag vital stuff you need to play the game (needless to say, this is mommy's job - the kidlets get to decide which animals to buy based on poop output.) No, seriously.

When the animals no longer poop? They are called "prized". This is a nice name for "it time to ship you off to the Alpo Factory". You can keep a certain amount of prized animals in special kennel/barn/re-education camps. You only have to feed them half the feed (anyone horrified yet?) and they no longer wander all over, getting in your plots of crops. Hmmmmm......

Once the camps, er, special housing units are full? You can yank out lower producing animals, sell them (Farmville 2 does not have an abbatoir......yet) and replace them with higher level producing animals. You get serious coins to do so, in fact, so I'm guessing Sam the Butcher will arrive at some point soon.

The kids like raising the animals and the cute factor. However, it does not bug them at all to heartlessly sell them off when they are no longer productive. Am I a bad mom or are they just pragmatic? Who knows.

We will find out eventually I'm sure.

For those who STILL don't believe it's a game for total math geeks?  Well, submitted for the court...

http://www.farmvilleaddicts.com/tag/farmville-2-level-up

I think the fact that algorithims were used to determine the value of persimmon trees and something called "scary cake" is pretty much proof enough.

But I could be wrong. I've been wrong before. Maybe it's just a little bunny.